Maybe I don’t want to? Go away and eat a dick. Leave me alone.
Cage goes in the water, you go in the water. Shark’s in the water. Our shark.
Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu, to you ladies of Spain. For we’ve received orders for to sail back to Boston. And so nevermore shall we see you again.Quint, Jaws
This has been a long week – a bad week.
I had to finally face and accept the truth about someone; a truth that I, honestly, had actively been avoiding for some time. The person that I decided was worth making myself vulnerable for, who I decided – against my best judgment – I could let myself love, didn’t love me in return; at least not in the same way.
I was a fool. I fell in love too fast and too stupidly because, ultimately, I’m looking for a different kind of love than those around me. I don’t want The One. I don’t even know if they really exist. Hyper-romanticism and our culture have turned the idea of love into something rapturous and fun and ultimately out of our control.
But that’s a lie. To say that love is ‘good’ is to be a fool. Love kills people. Love ruins countries. Love inflicts more pain on the human soul than any other emotion. So why do we seek it out?
My life has been chaotic. Many people fear change; I’ve grown up in it. I never had the close family life. I’ve never had true stability. I’m not saying my childhood was bad, I’m just saying that it was chaos. I’ve also feel that I’ve gone much of my life unnoticed. I was never a high achiever. I’m not exceedingly talented. The simple fact of the matter is that to society I am not special. I am easily overlooked and passed by. I have learned to cope with that as best I can.
When I feel love, when I crave love, when I seek love, I am, in reality, seeking that stability. I am seeking that confirmation that at least one person out of seven billion knows that I am there, and feels like I am special enough to them. I want them to stay with me when all else fails.
Many people have said to me, “Tim, you need to learn to love yourself first.” I call bullshit. I do love myself. I haven’t always, but over the years I have found it in me to love myself. I am fucking awesome. The fact remains, however, that some people, including myself, simply need outside confirmation. That doesn’t make me weak – it just means that I have different emotional needs than some other people.
Others have said to me, “Tim, you need to learn to be happy you’re alone.” I’m going to have to call bullshit on that, too. If a person is content being alone; if they’re happy in their solitude, why do they ever even seek out someone to love? I feel happiest when I am with those people I love, so I want to find someone to be with forever.
Yes, I loved and love a man who can not return that love. It hurt when I admitted it was over. It still hurts, and it will continue to hurt for some time. What hurts more, though, is the overwhelming feeling of failure. I picked wrong, and I was foolish.
I’m not looking for a white night. I just want someone to hold me at the end of the day and tell me, “Tim, I love you and I am will still be here tomorrow.”